Articles, Desserts, Vegan
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These Cookies Taste Like Failure

This post contains a recipe for failure. I wanted to make you something amazing, but things didn’t work out. I was going to skip posting it all together, but then I decided that it would be better for me to keep it real by talking about my kitchen mistakes.

Fail-cookies

This very morning, I was chuckling because world-renowned baker Dorie Greenspan posted this photo on instagram: 

Dorie-Greenspan-Brownie-Fail

I love the part when David Lebovitz comments about his aversion to cutting parchment circles. These are some of the most accomplished bakers in the world and they still ruin brownies from time to time. Famous Chefs, they are just like us!

In the past week, I’ve struggled in the kitchen. I’m still adjusting to a new rental apartment with new rental appliances. I’ve discovered that my oven runs hot as Hades. It must be 50F over. I learned this the hard way. I baked two cakes (from Dorie Greenspan’s cookbook!) and they were both overcooked. Luckily, I had the foresight to check on them before they burned. I cried a bit over the second cake (flourless chocolate cake with black sesame seeds). Chris had to talk me out of throwing it in the garbage in frustration. I ended up serving it to guests and it got rave reviews. It wasn’t perfect but it sure was delicious.

I joke about throwing a cake in the garbage, but I wouldn’t do that unless it was inedible. Instead, I’m forced to eat my failures. There is an inelegant metaphor here. Eat your failures, let them fill your belly and energize you. Let the indigestible parts pass through your body and flush them away.

This week, I had grand plans. I was going to make some adorable heart shaped cookie dough bites. They were going to be dipped in chocolate and served on a platter just in time for the Valentine’s Day season on Pinterest. They would be adorable click-bait. They were going to be vegan and gluten-free and perfect. Everyone was going to love them and I was going to be a star.

Ha! Well, that didn’t happen. Instead, I made the super random fail cookies pictured above. Here is the recipe:

Step 1:

Go to the store and spend a million dollars on macadamia nuts and chocolate.

Step 2: 

Put a million dollars worth of macadamia nuts (2 cups) in the blender with 2 cups of unsweetened coconut, 6 tbsp of coconut oil, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/2 cup coconut sugar and 1/4 tsp vanilla.

Step 3:

Mix on high-speed until everything is a suspiciously liquid-y liquid. Second guess yourself.

Step 4:

Pour the liquid in a bowl and stick it in the fridge to set for 1.5 hours while you question your life choices.

Step 5:

Take the bowl out of the fridge and stir in some mini chocolate chips. Awesome, it looks like cookie dough!

Cookie-dough-fail

Step 6:

Decide you are too lazy to try to make heart shaped cookie dough bites. You will make balls instead. Pick up a tbsp of dough and roll it in your hand. As you roll them, exclaim “Jumping Jehoshaphat! There is way to much coconut oil in this batter!”.

Step 7: 

Glare at the bowl.

Step 8:

Accept that this whole raw-vegan-cookie-dough-bite thing is a sham. You should have just made cookies.

Step 9:

Decide to make cookies!

Step 10:

Make oatflour in your Vitamix for the first time ever. Whoo hoo, you did something new! You are a champ!

Step 11:

Add 1 cup of oat flour and 1/4 tsp of baking powder to your weird raw cookie dough.

Step 12:

Test bake 2 blobs at 300F because your oven is stupid and 350F would incinerate them.

Lucky Number Step 13:

Oh, those look like cookies. This might just work…

flat-cookie-fail

 

…just kidding these will fall in to a zillion pieces when you try to pick them up.

Step 14:

Add a bunch of coconut to the batter (1.5 cups), because you haven’t wasted enough ingredients today!

Step 15:

Put them in the oven, turn on some hip tunes (see below) and dance until they are done.

Step 16:

Could it be? They actually look like cookies! But how do they taste?

reasonable-facsimilie-of-cookies

They taste like a million bucks worth of high-quality ingredients resurrected from kitchen experiment purgatory. They taste like failure and it tastes good! 

 

-Jasmine

 

17 Comments

  1. LOL!! I LOVE this! I have had too many kitchen failures to count. Glad to hear I’m not the only one. And those cookies look delicious, by the way! 🙂

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      Thank you, they actually taste amazing…a little crumbly, but that is what plates are for!

  2. Ha! I have been through this so many times. With lots of foot stomping and temper tantrums. I think one of the most valuable kitchen skills I’ve learned over the years is to be more patient, to calm down when things don’t turn out as planned and troubleshoot to turn lemons into lemonade.

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      It’s true! I realized I can’t try to squeeze shopping, recipe development, photography and blog posting all in to one day. It’s just too much! I end up rushing. Time to slow down and breathe!

  3. Lol I LOOOOOOOVE posting kitchen/epic failures on my blog. It makes for a good laugh (after crying…and throwing sh*t at the wall, including your fists) and shows that we’re not perfect. Good for you for posting this. I love how you keep your head up and your humour intact. Are you coming to dinner on Saturday night? I hope so! If not, enjoy the rest of the week and hope to see you soon.

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      Thanks Nancy, I didn’t get the dinner memo? Is it on facebook? I’m so out of the loop. Email me and let me know the details!

  4. You are so awesome! My takeaways – click-bait, million dollars worth of macadamia nuts (2 cups), glare at the bowl, “Jumping Jehoshaphat! and by the way how old is that album?

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      Thanks Ginny! That album is from 1973, I can’t help but love it. It’s just so silly.

  5. Ha! Love this post. We have all been there and it has been way too many times to count for me. I am currently on attempt #4 at creating a vegan gluten-free version of a particular muffin. It has not been going well but I will get it! Keep trying! I hope it’s not as expensive next time!

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      Good luck with your muffins! I hope they turn out well on attempt #4!

  6. Great post! Loved seeing this creative process. When my cookies go wrong I usually have no idea what to do! I’m impressed by your ingenuity. Maybe you can do heart-shaped chocolate-dipped cookies next week! Even if it was after Valentine’s Day, I’d still love to see that recipe!

    • Jasmine Lukuku says

      Thanks Michelle, I am definitely going to work on the original recipe. I still think it was a great idea!

  7. I laughed throughout this entire post, especially the million dollar nuts part! Isn’t that particularly painful, when you spend a lot of money on one ingredient only to have it ruined? And this is reason number 384723947 why my baking is few and far between and only with a recipe someone else tested LOL

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